


Y is for Yearning

by Tifer14



Series: Alphabet Challenge [25]
Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Drug Abuse, Drug Addiction, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-05
Updated: 2015-10-05
Packaged: 2018-04-24 23:39:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4938367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tifer14/pseuds/Tifer14
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"My name’s Spencer and I’m addicted to dilaudid. Oh come on,” Spencer grinned. “I’ll get you started: My name’s Aaron and I’m addicted –“</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [AlexiCyn](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlexiCyn/gifts).



Spencer knew the signs. Hell, he knew the signs intimately and had been feeling exactly the same way until he’d ducked into the bathroom of the jet about half an hour ago. Now the itching and sweating, the mind-numbing headache and the weird flashes in the corners of his eyes were all nicely blanketed beneath a warm drowsiness and general sense of well-being. He smiled lazily at Morgan when he looked up from his music and motioned that Reid needed to sleep. Nodding his agreement, he chanced another look at Hotch in his little corner of the cabin. It was that yearning in his eyes every time he cast a glance in the direction of his briefcase. Spencer could give a pretty well-educated guess as to what was in there. Their unit chief didn’t look so good right now. He’d shed his jacket but there were still patches of sweat under his arms, he was swigging constantly from the water bottle in front of him and shaking his leg as he impatiently checked his watch again. JJ passed by and laid a maternal hand on Hotch’s brow. Hotch jumped in his seat and, from the way JJ withdrew her hand like she’d been burned, he’d clearly snapped at her. Shaking his head slowly in the way that Spencer knew he did when mumbling an apology, which JJ accepted with grace and returned to her seat.

 

Hotch looked down the aisle and caught Spencer’s eye with a scowl. Spencer just smiled that same soft lazy smile he’d given Morgan. He was flying right now. Flying, ha, he was high on a plane. Spencer sniggered at his own joke and Hotch’s scowl impossibly deepened. Yeah, Spencer thought to himself, it takes one to know one and I know you Aaron Hotchner.

 

Back at Quantico, the team were left with the mountain of paperwork that every case generated. Spencer hobbled to his desk with his cane. The pain in his knee a distant memory buried beneath the wonders of dilaudid. Sure, he should have refused narcotics at the hospital but he’d just been shot in the fucking knee. He wasn’t sure at the time if he would ever walk again, if he’d keep his leg. He’d deserved the good stuff and he’d got it. So what if that was nearly a year ago. He was still in pain. Watching Hotch storm into his office, he saw just another man in pain. He counted to ten then grabbed a folder and limped up to Hotch’s door, slipping inside without knocking.

 

Hotch was at his desk, a pill bottle in one hand and a handful little pink pills in the other. So, oxycontin it was. Hardly surprising. Hotch jumped up from behind his desk and spilled the pills all over the surface. The look of panic on his face was so familiar to Reid and his heart ached in sympathy. Hotch frantically started scooping the pills into his hand while swearing under his breath until he turned on the intruder.

 

“Jesus, Reid, don’t you knock?”

 

“Sometimes,” Spencer shrugged and lowered himself into the chair opposite Hotch.

 

“Unless it’s urgent, Reid, this really isn’t a good time.” Hotch was shifting from one foot to the other, eyeing the bottle of pills with near frantic urgency.

 

“Oh, don’t mind me. Take your medicine. I’m sure you need it.”

 

“Of course I need it, Reid. What are you insinuating?”

 

“I’m not insinuating anything, Hotch. We all have our crutches,” he held up his cane with a smile. Hotch sneered back at him. “And anyway, I shot up in the plane’s bathroom so I’m all good.”

 

The look of shock on his unit chief’s face was priceless. Spencer smirked again and motioned for Hotch to continue. The unit chief carefully measured out the maximum dose of two pills, a fraction of what had been in his hand when Spencer entered, and swallowed them down dry. Spencer knew that would barely take the edge off but Hotch would open up to him. Eventually. “I assume you still have a prescription for dilaudid?” Hotch asked nonchalantly, visibly relaxing just with the knowledge that even a small amount of his drug of choice was coursing through his system.

 

“Of course I do, Hotch. I’m a doctor. Do you?”

 

Hotch bristled, “Of course. I was stabbed nine times, Reid.”

 

“And I was shot in the knee. A year ago. You were stabbed a year ago.”

 

“There were complications,” Hotch mumbled.

 

“So how many prescriptions do you have?” Spencer leaned back in his chair, his entire focus on Hotch like he was the most interesting puzzle in the room which he was.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“Well, I’m sure you’ve been doing some doctor shopping, Hotch. No respectable doctor would keep providing you Oxy this long or in the amounts that I’m sure you need it.”

 

Hotch’s expression turned hard. “Watch your mouth, Agent Reid.”

 

“Or what?”

 

“You think I don’t know that you’re forging your prescriptions.”

 

“No, I pretty much told you that a minute ago. Since you still seem to be dancing around the idea of plausible deniability, and thanks for that by the way it was such a help back three years ago, I’ll spell it out for you. My name’s Spencer and I’m addicted to dilaudid.”

 

Aaron sat back in his chair and regarded Reid warily. “What do you want, Reid?”

 

“You to admit you’ve got a problem.”

 

“I do. It’s sitting across from me,” Hotch grumbled.

 

“Oh come on,” Spencer grinned. “I’ll get you started: My name’s Aaron and I’m addicted –“

 

Aaron leapt out his chair and lifted Spencer to his feet by his collar. His cane clattered to the ground but Aaron paid it no heed. He walked Spencer across the room and slammed his body into a wall, knocking the air out of the young man in a whoosh. “You shut your fucking mouth. I’m not a fucking addict. I’m nothing like you, Reid. You’re pathetic.”

 

“We’re both pathetic,” Spencer whispered, the grip on his collar tightened and he choked. “Look at you. You’re panicking right now. You’re assaulting one of your agents in your office. The door’s unlocked. Anyone could walk in right now just like I did before. I saw you on the jet, desperate for your pills as desperate as I was. You may think that you’re so noble because you waited until you were in your office while I shot up in that tiny bathroom but give it a month and you’ll be crushing those pills and snorting them off the counter right next to me.”

 

“Fuck you. I’d never do that at work.”

 

Spencer coughed out a laugh, “So you’re already snorting it at home. Good on you, Hotch. Hard core. It’s such a better rush isn’t it? Just wait until you shoot it straight into the vein. Of course, that’s the way I started it but there’s nothing better. It’s like flying.”

 

Hotch grip loosened and Spencer slid down the wall, bracing his hands on Hotch’s shoulders to keep the weight off his leg. Unlike Aaron, he did still have a genuine injury. Perhaps he was slightly overmedicating but at least he was honest with himself. “What do you want, Reid? Are you going to turn me in to Strauss?”

 

Spencer snorted inelegantly. “No. Why would I do that? I might as well turn myself in.”

 

“So you want to fix me? Make me better?”

“You know as well as I do that you can’t help someone who doesn’t want help. Neither of us wants to quit. I just wanted someone to share this with. You know I’ve only ever gotten high by myself. I don’t think Tobias really counts. I think it could be a nice social activity.”

 

Aaron couldn’t hold back his harsh bark of laughter, “You’ve got a really fucked up view of socializing.”

 

“What can I say? I didn’t get much practice growing up.” Hotch took a step back and Spencer nearly tumbled to the floor before catching himself on the arm of the sofa. “Could you hand me my cane?”

 

Hotch nodded and retrieved it from where it had fallen on the floor. Spencer hobbled towards the door. “Think about it, Hotch. Say my place Friday night. We can talk, get some food.”

 

“What and then you’ll belt up your arm and shoot up in front of your boss?”

 

“I use a rubber tube. It makes a much tighter tourniquet and it’s already getting hard to find a vein.” Spencer left the office and returned to his desk, blasting through his paperwork riding the tail end of his high and already thinking about the fresh vial in his bedside table at home. He’d need to get a fresh prescription pad at some point. Either that or start visiting Dylan again. He figured he was about to start writing prescriptions for Aaron Hotchner too and Hotch would need a new source at some point. Doctor shopping only worked for so long.

 

Friday morning dawned and Hotch entered his office pleasantly numb to find a small white envelope sitting on his chair. His name scrawled across it in Spencer’s distinctive calligraphy. Inside was a small clear bag with four green pills with a clear OC stamped on them. Hotch’s mouth went dry. These were strong. He itched to take one but worried he’d taken too many in his car right now. He’d wait until lunch. Stowing the baggie in his suit jacket, he saw a small note in the envelope: _See you tonight?_ Without thinking, Aaron strode over to the door and looked out into the bullpen. Spencer looked up instantly. Hotch nodded once and then retreated into his office, shutting the door firmly. This was a terrible idea but then the last year had been one terrible idea after another and now Haley was dead. Jack lived with Jessica and all Aaron had were his job and his pills. Maybe Reid was right. Maybe it would be nice to share this with someone. Fuck knows it couldn’t be much worse.

 

It could be so much worse, Aaron thought, as he stood outside Spencer’s apartment building that night with a bag of Chinese food. The pleasant, calm feeling that came with every handful of pills was dimmed by the fact that he was about to make a huge mistake. Still he buzzed and Reid let him in without question. Fuck, he’d probably been watching him hesitate on the sidewalk. He was standing in the door of his apartment with a small smile and slightly shaking hands.

 

“You’re early. Well, you would have been even earlier if you hadn’t stood outside for seven minutes but you’re still early and I was waiting to take a hit so I’d be at my best when you got here but then I was watching you out there in case you went away.” Spencer paused and took a deep breath. “I need a hit. Wait here.” He motioned to the couch and Hotch sat obediently while Spencer disappeared through a door. This was weird and wrong. This was open drug use. They were FBI agents. It was even weirder than open drug use when Spencer was so, so very Reid about it. Not knowing what else to do, Aaron looked around the room and the book shelf lined walls, the worn sofa, the old TV and the collection of DVDs underneath. There was no drug paraphernalia anywhere in plain sight. Apparently Reid wasn’t that far gone yet. Neither was Hotch. His pills were all neatly stored in the bathroom cabinet which was locked with a small padlock when Jack came to visit. His liquor cabinet, also lockable, was in the living room and Aaron searched for something similar but saw nothing that was likely to hold a good shot of Scotch.

 

He was just thinking about going to search the fridge for a beer when Spencer stepped back out buttoning his cuffs and looking slightly spaced. His smile was vague but warm when he saw Hotch, “I figured you’d’ve left,” his hand waved in the direction of the door.

 

“I need a drink, Reid.”

 

“A drink like coffee? I’ve got some soda, I think.”

 

Hotch groaned in frustration. “No, a drink like alcohol. Scotch?”

 

Spencer shook his head slowly then nodded frantically. “Oh yes! Wait! No come!” he moved emphatically in the direction of the kitchen and Hotch followed with a slight smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. Spencer had climbed onto the counter and was rooting about in one of the highest cabinets. There was a small noise of triumph before Reid slithered back down with a caramel bottle of Glenfiddich 21 in his hand.

 

Hotch took it with a noise of surprise. “This is a really good whiskey.”

 

“Yeah, probably. I dunno. Gideon gave it to me when I turned twenty-one and graduated the academy.”

 

“So I take it you don’t drink,” Hotch muttered as he cracked the seal and filled the plastic cup that Spencer handed him. It seemed sacrilegious to drink this out of a plastic cup but one look around Spencer’s kitchen suggested that the only other option would be a coffee mug.

 

“Not really. I don’t like the taste.” Hotch took a long sip and sighed in contentment as the warm toffee taste coated his tongue. It was almost sweet like a rum but with the sharpness he loved. “I’m really glad you came. I didn’t think you would.”

 

“Really? Haven’t all your other bosses you’ve revealed your drug use to come over for dinner?”

 

Spencer looked like he was taking a moment to figure that out before he grinned again. “None of my other bosses are drug addicts.”

 

Hotch bristled, “Not an addict, Reid. I have prescriptions.”

 

“Sorry, prescription drug addicts. Though, I’m pretty sure Strauss is an alcoholic.”

 

Hotch shrugged resignedly. It wasn’t worth really arguing about. He knew he couldn’t get through a day without his pills and he’d come here because Reid had shown evidence that he could get him stronger pills. “Yeah, she’s had a problem for years.” They wandered back into the living room and Hotch started opening the boxes of Chinese.

 

“I’ll go get a fork,” Spencer mumbled and wandered back to the kitchen.

 

“Bring the bottle,” Hotch shouted after him.

 

“You know, you really shouldn’t mix that with your oxy,” Spencer offered on his return but he’d brought the bottle anyway.

 

“You really should know how to use chopsticks.”

 

Spencer stuck out his tongue and forked some noodles into his mouth. They ate in silence and Hotch was surprised at how comfortable and normal it felt. “So, you did stop at some point, right? Gideon said he was dealing with it.”

 

Spencer snorted. “Gideon’s version of dealing with it was to tell me to suck it up and that it would make me a better profiler.”

 

“He could be such a bastard,” Hotch murmured. “I’m sorry. I should’ve done more.”

 

Spencer just waved him off. “You were busy getting divorced. I ended up going to NA or movies as you liked to call it.”

 

“So what happened?”

 

“I got shot.”

 

“I know that Reid. Why aren’t you still going to NA?”

 

“I never felt comfortable. Can you imagine opening up about your problems in front of a room full of strangers?” Hotch shook his head vehemently. “It was a nightmare. I literally had nightmares about it. So when they offered me narcotics in the hospital I thought why the hell not? I had a legitimate injury this time and it feels so good. What about you?”

 

“What about me?”

 

“Drug abuse doesn’t really suit you. You’re so in control. I mean look at how you dress.”

 

“I’m wearing a polo shirt,” Hotch looked down to check that he was indeed wearing a polo shirt and jeans.

 

Again, Spencer did that hand waving thing. “I meant more the suits though your polo shirt looks starched.”

 

“It’s not!”

 

“It’s tucked in.”

 

Hotch looked down. That was true. He stretched languidly and then gave a little tug with one hand to pull his shirt free. “Better?” he smirked and then furrowed his brow at the strange look in Spencer’s eyes.

 

“Oh yeah. Now you look like a strung out druggie.” Spencer grinned broadly but there was still a sliver of banked heat in his eyes as Hotch chuckled. They finished eating and Hotch tried lounging back on the sofa in an imitation of Reid’s relaxed pose. It felt manufactured but when their shoulders brushed he felt surprisingly more at ease.

 

Reid lolled his head to face him. “Did you try the 80mg tablets?”

 

Hotch nodded enthusiastically. “Where did you get them?”

 

“I’ve got a friend of sorts. He supplies me when I can’t get a pharmacy to accept my prescriptions.”

 

“Reid, is that safe?”

 

“Is any of this safe, Hotch?”

 

Hotch bit at his lip but finally managed to ask: “Have you got any more of them?”

 

Spencer grinned “As a matter of fact I do.” His wiggled his fingers in a complicated motion and a canister of pills appeared in his hand. “Like magic!”

 

Hotch grinned back and reached for them, “Do I get three wishes?”

 

“I’m a magician, Hotch, not a genie.”

 

“Sorry, my mistake.” Hotch rolled a pill into his palm and chased it with a swig of whiskey.

 

“I thought you snorted at home?”

 

“I’m not an idiot, Reid, this is a lot stronger than what I’m used to.”

 

“Good to know you don’t have a death wish.”

 

“You thought I did?”

 

Spencer shrugged. “I wasn’t sure. Like I said, drug abuse doesn’t suit you but then you’ve done a lot of surprising things this past year.”

 

“I’m glad I can still surprise such a good profiler.”

 

“Not good surprises, Hotch.” Spencer looked at him so earnestly that Hotch had to look away.

 

“Then I’m sorry I disappointed you.”

 

“You didn’t. You never have. That makes you sort of unique for strong male figures in my life but I’m really not high enough to get in to my daddy issues. I just meant that – I have no idea what I meant. Do what makes you happy, Hotch. What’s right for you, you know. And Jack, of course.”

 

“You think I shouldn’t have given Jack to Jessica?”

 

“It made me a bit angry. I know it’s none of my business but, you know, I thought you were being like my father.”

 

“I’m in no place to look after a child full-time, Reid. I’m never home and when I am all I want to do is lose myself in oblivion. It’s not about being happy. It’s survival.”

 

Spencer was silent for a long time but his careful observation of Hotch’s every micro-expression made the older man want to fidget in his seat. If he hadn’t just popped a pill, he would have been out the door but he was feeling calm, floaty and full of good will to all men, including Spencer Reid. “All right, then. Here’s to survival.” Spencer took a swig of whiskey out the bottle and made a face. “Jesus fuck! That is disgusting.”

 

Hotch threw his head back and laughed like he hadn’t laughed in years.


	2. Chapter 2

“Hey,” Spencer smiled that vague smile he had after shooting up in Hotch’s direction as he wandered out the bathroom rubbing at his still bleeding elbow. They were on another case. Their third since that night in Spencer’s apartment.

 

Hotch smiled back, licking the last of the drug off his fingers before sniffling and wiping under his nose. Reid was right, it was nice not having to hide this from someone. It was liberating. When not on cases, he found he was spending more and more time on the couch at Spencer’s. He flicked on the television and lay back on the double bed. Spencer scooted onto the bed and lay flat out, looking at the ceiling. “Do you want to sleep? Should I go back to my room?”

 

Spencer shook his head. “No, it’s nice having you here.” His eyes were closed but that soft smile was still playing at the sides of his mouth. Hotch didn’t know how he’d ever missed the fact that Reid had such full, soft lips. They looked wet and inviting. Suddenly, he was moving, leaning over Spencer and pressing his own mouth to those lips. He’d expected Spencer to push him off, or kiss him back, or something. He just sort of lay there.

 

“Sorry, I can’t tell whether you want this or not.” Hotch pulled back and saw Spencer was looking equally confused.

 

“No, I do. That was nice. I mean look,” Spencer gestured crudely to his crotch. “I’m enjoying it. I’m just surprised.”

 

“Oh, well, I wasn’t planning on kissing you. I’ve never been attracted to a man. I guess it’s just a side-effect of being able to relax around you and not pretend that I’m anything other than what I am. I do enjoy spending time with you, Reid.”

 

“Right, um. That’s nice? I mean, yeah, I’m glad you’re relaxed around me but you kissing me wasn’t what surprised me. You’ve been giving me these looks for years, I guess you weren’t aware of it. No, I was surprised that I got an erection.” Spencer’s hand slid down and cupped Hotch’s own half-hard cock, making his hips jerk and pulling a sort of whine from his throat. “And you’re hard too. It’s surprising.”

 

“I’m not that old,” Hotch groused.

 

“No but you are an Oxy addict. Erectile dysfunction is a side-effect of both of our drugs of choice. Yours more than mine.”

 

“Oh, well, did you want to take advantage of the situation?”

 

“Yes, Hotch.”

 

“Good.”

 

“So, shall we have sex now?”

 

“Yes, that’s what I was planning when I kissed you,” he paused and looked down into Spencer’s expectant eyes. “Jesus, did you have to make this so awkward?”

 

“Hmm, it’s probably going to get worse in a moment. Neither of us has done this with another man before.”

 

“It’ll be fine, Reid.” Hotch leaned down to kiss Spencer again. This he knew. This was nice and even nicer when Spencer opened up beneath him, his tongue flicking out and drawing Hotch’s back with it. One of Reid’s hand trailed up his neck, petting the short hairs there while the other slid underneath his T-shirt making him shiver against Reid’s icy fingers. He closed one hand over Spencer’s elbow enjoying the slight involuntary flinch before he pulled back and looked into Spencer’s blown pupils. The high was really hitting him now and he looked a bit out of it. “I know you, Reid,” Hotch growled, tightening his grip. “You think you’ve seen the way I look at you? I know exactly how you look at me. I know all your dirty little secrets.”

 

Spencer whimpered and bucked up but his voice was strong as he whispered back, “And I know yours Aaron,” he drawled the unfamiliar first name. “You think I don’t know what you want?” He started to struggle against Hotch’s grip and the older man pushed down with his hips. “Yeah, you want to take me. Well, go on.”

 

Hotch growled again, his hand flexing until his grip was bruising Spencer’s skin. He could take it. He would take it. Fuck, he felt powerful right now. Grinding down into the furrow of Spencer’s hip, he bit sharply into that exposed neck until Spencer whined again. The walls were thin. The team would hear them and Hotch just really couldn’t care less. He saw the concerned looks that Dave and Morgan flashed at both Spencer and him. He saw the knowing worry in Emily’s eyes but not one of them approached either him or Spencer. Well, fuck them. He’d give them something to think about. He knelt back and gripped the neck of Spencer’s old T-shirt before pulling and ripping it cleanly in two, exposing Spencer’s thin chest and rosy nipples to his hungry gaze. He licked a sloppy line down Spencer’s neck before kissing him again, all teeth and bruising pressure. Spencer responded by shoving a thigh between Hotch’s legs and starting a slow, dirty grind.

 

“Have you got lube or something?”

 

“Really, Aaron? I would’ve thought you’d want to make me hurt,” Spencer smirked and ground up into him again.

 

“What and give myself friction burns? You better have condoms too.”

 

“What do we need condoms for? I’m clean and you’re a Boy Scout.”

 

“You’re a junkie.”

 

“Fuck you, I’ve never shared a needle.”

 

“Never?”

 

“Fine, not since my Tobias and I was tested after that time. I’m clean. Scout’s honour.”

 

“Fine, no condom but lube.”

 

“Side pocket of my go bag.”

 

Both men stripped naked after Hotch retrieved the lube and Spencer lay himself out on the bed, legs spread obscenely. “You’ve really never done this before?”

 

“I’m not a virgin. I’ve just never been with a man. It’ll be fine. I like a bit of pain with my pleasure and I’m fucking flying right now.” Hotch knelt between Spencer’s spread legs and coated his fingers with a bit of lube.

 

“So, I just stick my finger up your ass?”

 

“Yup,” Spencer popped the p and grinned up at the ceiling. “You alright getting your hands dirty, Agent Hotchner?” Hotch didn’t answer, instead he shoved two fingers into Spencer’s hole and smirked at the howl it drew from the man beneath him. It felt different from a woman’s vagina but there was that same heat, muscles fluttering around his fingers, drawing him in as he thrust them in and out. Twisting them, he hit something that made Spencer’s whole body arch. “That would be my prostate,” Spencer muttered to the room at large. “You should do that again.” So Hotch did until Spencer was whimpering and fucking himself on Hotch’s hand.

 

“Can I fuck you now?” Hotch whispered, his cock twitching with interest.

 

“Please,” Spencer murmured, sounding beautifully broken already. Hotch slicked up his dick and slid in with one smooth motion, drawing another pained whimper from Spencer. He fingered the taut ring of muscle around his cock with interest, it felt painfully tight and he wanted nothing more than to fuck Reid open but he wouldn’t do that. He was better than that.

 

“Jesus, Spencer, you feel so good.”

 

“Shut up, Hotch. Just fuck me.” Hotch’s mouth became a thin, firm line. Spencer knew that he’d hurt the older man’s feelings but this wasn’t about love and he wasn’t going to let Hotch go there. This was friends with benefits. New benefits. The drugs were also a benefit. It didn’t matter that Spencer had lusted after his boss for years. On a good day, Aaron Hotchner would never love Spencer Reid and neither of them had experienced a good day for a very long time. Spencer dug his nails into Hotch’s shoulders and kicked him in the back with his heels. “Fuck me already.”

 

“Fucking hell, Reid.” Hotch started thrusting deep and fast into Spencer. Each hard thrust sent the bed crashing into the wall. “Is this what you want? You want to feel it?”

 

“Yes, fuck. Come on, Hotch. Harder, fuck me harder.”

 

Hotch picked up the pace, one hand curling into Spencer’s stupid, too long hair and pulling at the strands until Spencer cried out in pain. “Shut the fuck up, Reid. You’re not the one in charge here. I’m in control. I’m always in control.” Spencer threw his head back, exposing his neck and laughed, a horrible hollow laugh. “Fuck you, Reid. Just fuck you.” But Spencer wouldn’t stop laughing. Hotch closed his free hand around Spencer’s neck and squeezed until Spencer’s laugh broke off with a choke. Aaron eased his grip and Spencer lowered his gaze to look directly into Hotch’s eyes.

 

“Yes,” he hissed. He reached up with his own hand and closed it over Hotch’s applying the slightest pressure. “Yes, Hotch, just like that.”

 

A frission of fear trickled down Hotch’s back and settled at the base of his spine but it was all just feeling too hot and tight. His head was spinning slightly from the drugs and he kept fucking into Spencer as his hand closed and released around Spencer’s neck watching in awe as Spencer alternately choked and gasped for air.

 

Spencer went stiff beneath him and Hotch suddenly panicked releasing his neck but then he saw the younger man’s back bow as he came hotly all over their stomachs, his internal muscles clenching around Hotch’s cock until it was nearly painful.

 

“Go on then.” Spencer’s voice was raspy and wrecked but he clawed at Hotch’s ass and urged him to thrust again. Hotch withdrew and flipped Spencer onto his stomach before thrusting in again, making the younger man howl, and setting a brutal pace that has him spilling in a few minutes. Everything seemed to blur around him and he fell forward onto Spencer crushing him into the mattress before he rolled to the side, panting like he’d just finished a marathon.

 

“Did I hurt you?” he whispered, keeping his eyes firmly squeezed shut.

 

Spencer laughed again and Hotch rolled to look at him. His neck was red and when he spoke his voice was raw. “It was good, Hotch. Don’t worry about it.”

 

“I’ve never done something like that before.”

 

“Well, there’s a first time for everything. I don’t break that easily, Hotch.”

 

“I know. I just –“

 

“Enough, Hotch. I enjoyed it. Take a pill and relax.” Hotch bristled but didn’t say anything more. The minutes passed and Hotch contemplated following Reid’s advice before he spoke again: “Are you sleeping here?”

 

“Do you want me to?”

 

Spencer shrugged. “It doesn’t really matter. The team will have heard everything. They’ll know we’re fucking. Really, it’s a pretty good cover. They’ll focus on that and stop worrying so much about us.”

 

“I think Emily knows.”

 

Spencer nodded his agreement, “She knew about me last time as well but I don’t think she’ll say anything.”

 

“Can I stay?”

 

“Are you making this into a big deal? You’ve slept on my couch plenty these past weeks.”

 

“We just had sex. We’ll be sharing a bed.”

 

“It’s just another benefit.”

 

Hotch snorted. “Alright. So, I can stay?”

 

“Sure.” Spencer didn’t even object when Hotch slung his arm around Spencer’s slim waist and pulled him back against his chest. He ignored the way Hotch nuzzled at his neck and the way his body betrayed him by melting into the man behind him.

 

The following morning and the weeks after that showed that they had been right; they usually were. The team focused on their relationship. Morgan was worried about the bruises but Spencer assured him that everything was consensual was his big, Bambi, would-I-lie-to-you eyes. Rossi slapped Hotch on the back with a grin. Emily worried and bit her nails but attempted a small smile at them. Garcia demanded sexy details from Reid and grinned at her fearless leader. Sometimes the best profilers in the country were so fucking stupid and easily misled that Hotch was amazed that they managed to catch any killers. Reid thought that they were being wilfully blind. Stupid or blind, it allowed Spencer and Aaron to get away with a hell of a lot but it didn’t really make anything better. Sure the sex, when it happened, was good. Painful and violent but Spencer got Hotch hot in ways Haley never had. But there were plenty of times when one or both them couldn’t get it up or couldn’t climax. Reid never seemed bothered but it made Hotch so irrationally angry when he was fucking Reid’s hole seemingly for hours and still unable to get his release. When that happened he’d drink. When Hotch drank he got angry.

 

“Why is there no fucking whiskey or bourbon or anything, Reid?”

 

Reid looked up from his book, his eyes fuzzy and his hair sticking up in every direction. “You drank it all.”

 

“Fucking hell. You didn’t buy more?”

 

“Sorry, I didn’t know it was my job to buy your alcohol as well as your drugs. You get paid more than me. Buy your own fucking stuff.”

 

“I paid you back, you little shit.”

 

Spencer waved away this insignificant detail and went back to his book. Aaron threw on his boots and jacket, slammed the door in frustration and ran down the stairs to his truck. The quick trip to the liquor store and the grocery store calmed him down, almost as much as stopping at the pharmacy to get his prescription from his new doctor filled. When he got back to the apartment with a pocket full of pills and a brown bag full of alcohol he was feeling far more at peace with the world and his lover. In the kitchen he crushed up a few pills and snorted them before wandering back into the living room and leaning over the chair Spencer was still curled up like a cat in and pressed a kiss to those wayward curls. Spencer looked up at him in confusion.

 

“I thought we were arguing just now.”

 

“That was nearly an hour ago. I went to the store.”

 

“Oh, that’s nice? Hmm, I didn’t notice you went out.”

 

“Thanks, Spencer. Way to make a guy feel wanted.”

 

“I would’ve noticed eventually. I need a hit soon and I would’ve looked for you then.”

 

Aaron pulled Spencer out of his chair and snuggled around him on the sofa. “I got a prescription filled and I got more whiskey.”

 

“Nothing for me?”

 

“Not unless you want some Oxy. I’ll share.”

 

“I guess I could crush the pills and make a solution from them.”

 

“I’m not shooting up.”

 

“Oh, yeah, sorry. I forgot how that offends your sensibilities.”

 

Hotch just nuzzled at him again, kissing along his hairline. “Want to try this again? Maybe it’ll go better.”

 

Spencer just sighed. “Sure.”

 

Hotch pushed Spencer off him. “Don’t make it like you’re doing me a big fucking favour, Spencer.”

 

“You just want me to spread my legs for you, Aaron. Maybe I’m not in the mood.”

 

“Fine.” Hotch’s smile curled slow and wicked. “What if I let you call me Daddy while I fucked you? Did you do that with Gideon? Could I spank you? You could be my naughty little boy.”

 

Spencer stared at Hotch shocked and hurt before the words spilled from his mouth “You’re fucking sick, Aaron. You know that?”

 

“Shut up, Reid. I was just asking.”

 

“Jesus, Aaron, what the hell made you ask that? I was never with Gideon. You know you were the first man I was with. What the fuck are you on now?”

 

“You know exactly what I’m on, Reid. You started this. I wouldn’t still be doing this if it wasn’t for you.”

 

“Yeah right. You’d be dead in a fucking gutter without me. Your doctors would have cut you off and you would’ve been so desperate you would’ve done anything for a fix.”

 

“What like you? I’m nothing like you, Reid. I’m in control but you – you’re pathetic. Have you fucked for drugs, Reid? You say I’m the only one but how do I know? Is that how you get me those green pills? Huh? Who else is fucking you?” The wave of jealousy crashed like a tsunami, unpredictable and terrifyingly powerful, Hotch’s iron grip closed over Reid’s biceps, shoving him up against the wall hard enough that there was a dull clunk of bone against one of the studs.

 

Spencer spat in his face. “Look at you, Aaron. Just like your father. Are you going to hit me, Aaron? Are you?”

 

Aaron hand went unerringly for Spencer’s scrawny neck while his free fist was clenched already, he was this close, this close but instead he hissed out his hurtful words in Spencer’s face: “If I’m like my father then you’re like your mother. You think I don’t see how jumpy you get when you’re needing a hit. It’s not the drugs, is it? It’s the things you see. How long have you been hearing voices, Spencer? What are they telling you to do?”

 

“Shut up. Shut up. Shut up,” Spencer screeched hoarsely as his fingers scrabbled against Hotch’s grip on his throat. “I’m not crazy.”

 

“Maybe not yet.” Spencer stilled at Aaron knew he’d gone too far. He dropped his hand and Spencer slumped to the floor. “I’m sorry,” Aaron murmured before turning around and walking away leaving Reid gasping for breath on the floor. One night Reid had listed the side effects of Oxy while Hotch flicked through television channels. Paranoia, irritability, mood swings. Fuck he was addicted. He was no longer in control. He hadn’t been in control for a long time.

 

Determined to do something about it he cornered Spencer on the sofa that night. “We should get clean,” Hotch mumbled as Spencer prepared a new needle.

 

“Why? You’ve never done it. It’s not fun. In fact, it’s worse than being tied to the goalposts naked and beaten. You’ll puke, shit yourself, ache all over like you’ve got the worst bout of flu you’ve ever had in your life. It’s not worth it. Anyway, you’d just leave me.”

 

“I wouldn’t leave you, Spencer.” Aaron gripped Spencer’s arm to show his sincerity but Spencer just scoffed.

 

“You’d really want to bend me over and shove your cock in my ass if you were sober? Please. You’d get yourself a soccer mom in a week.”

 

“That’s not true. I love you.”

 

Spencer froze with his tourniquet still in his teeth and stared at Hotch for a moment before shaking his head and going back to finding a vein. Aaron watched with a disinterested disgust before he found a bottle of his pills and chewed down on a couple. It was gritty in his mouth but faster than crushing it. He wouldn’t inject. He wasn’t that fucked up. “We’ve got to be at work tomorrow, remember?”

 

Spencer was lying back against the couch now with his eyes closed. “Of course I remember. Eidetic memory. Plus, I’ve been a high-functioning drug addict for longer than you.”

 

“You really think no one knows?”

 

“No. I think no one cares. We still get results. That’s all that matters. We’re not killing anyone other than ourselves and that’s not their problem. They’re not paid to capture self-destructive idiots.”

 

Aaron laughed but it was a broken sound “You just called yourself an idiot.”

 

“I called you one too.”

 

Aaron took a long look at his subordinate, his lover, his drug-buddy. He took in the way Spencer’s skin clung to his bones, his lank hair, the dark smudges under his eyes. He knew that beneath that baggy cardigan he could count every rib. He knew the sharp angles of Spencer’s hips that bruised his own each and every time they fucked. They both bruised easily now.

 

“Are you happy, Spencer?”

 

“I’m surviving, Aaron.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this one was also a dark for those not keen on that but I promise that Z is as fluffy as a Pygmy Puff.


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